a former people pleaser's view on being authentic
I never thought of myself as a people pleaser. In my mind I had clear boundaries and did not let people take advantage of me in my life. It was not until a few years ago that I realized so many parts of my personality and habits had been crafted for the approval of other people. At heart I have always been the same person, the student who wanted to be the teacher’s favorite, make my parents proud of me, the one who craved popularity. I thought that I had outgrown these things in my adulthood but when I took a closer look that version of me still remained it just took a different form. I tried being the most virtuous I possibly could in my faith practice. I tried being less loud and expressive so as to not make others uncomfortable and for them to like me. I constantly compared and pushed myself to burnout in endeavors that I never wanted for myself in order to keep up with others. It is an impossible crushing burden to wake up every day and live a life motivated by the whims and opinions of other people. That is why today I am my biggest advocate and live my life according to my own convictions. This practice has alleviated me from years of anxiety and provided me clarity.
When you live by your own convictions you are a lot less concerned with what other people are doing. Have you ever heard the term ‘plank in your own eye’ ? I used to be the type of person who would sit around gossiping and ridiculing the decisions of other people. If I did not like your boyfriend, I would judge your relationship. If I saw a bad habit of yours, I would think to myself how I would never do such a thing. I would think you are moving hastily into this career decision or not quickly enough on a major life choice. What was the most insane about the height of my self-righteousness was that I was not even living out my own claimed convictions. I did not consistently practice what I preached myself and in my own insecurity I criticized others who I felt did not measure up.
The reason it was so hard for me to practice what I preached was because to some extent I did not have a deep belief in it. Some of my convictions and mannerisms were just copies of other people’s or what I felt like I had to embody in order to be accepted. I don’t like running, I never have but for so long I tried and failed at running races to impress others. I have always been a person that was extremely expressive and loved to talk but I spent years being known as quiet or reserved out of fear that people would judge me or think I was ‘too much’. I spent so many years trying to fit into an evolving mold that shifted according to the nod of approval from those around me. I just wanted to be liked and respected by everyone, but I was dying on the inside. I think of all of the things that I wanted to say at the time or things that I wanted to do but I was ruled by fear. The only thing that eclipsed that fear was realizing that I could go through my whole life in discontentment just for the sake of making others comfortable. It was no way to live and it was suffocating me.
Bit by bit I started to shed parts of myself; old habits, friendships, mannerisms, jobs, how I spent my spare time. Each one was replaced with something that felt more fitting to me. This is a hard practice if you are used to transforming yourself to please others. You may struggle in finding out what feels authentic to you at first without the approval of someone else. I will be honest, there have been times where I still struggle to figure out what it is that is meant for me in this life and also times where the critique of others makes me second guess my decisions. Despite that I have found that figuring out ‘who I am’ is a continuous but fruitful process. It has not only revealed truths about myself but also revealed to me the people who love me just as I am. It has further rooted genuine friendships and brought in new ones I would have never expected.
Living my life in a more authentic way has allowed me to show grace to myself and others as we are all on different journeys. I no longer measure myself by the standards of other people and in turn I do not measure people by my own. Remember: you are the only one who has to live your life, live accordingly.
