the art of being a girl’s girl
You have often heard the expression “boys will be boys”, but there has been a resurgence of what it means to be a girl. There has recently been a cultural pick up of the term, ‘girl’s girl’. If you have tik tok you may know this type of girl as the opposite of a ‘pick me’, but by definition what does it mean and do you want to be one? A girl’s girl on the surface may just seem to be someone who adheres to traditionally feminine archetypes. At a deeper level it describes a girl or woman who enjoys the company of other women and does everything that she can to support another girl. She is the opposite of what other people would call a ‘pick me.’ The ‘pick me’ has been an exaggerated archetype of a girl who lives for the male gaze. She likes to be seen as ‘one of the guys’, seeks male validation and will do anything to get it, including throwing her fellow female friend under the bus. While I do not believe that every girl who has a bunch of guy friends or likes to flirt is a pick me, I cannot help but love the idea of being a girl’s girl. In fact, I have found myself identifying a bit with this type of person and even seeing it in some of my friends.
I think I find the idea so appealing because of the struggle amongst us as women to support each other. In society, women are constantly pitted against each other through their body image or how talented they are. We see this through modern day feuds of Beyoncé versus Taylor Swift, Olivia Rodrigo, and Sabrina Carpenter, Meg the Stallion and Nicki Minaj. Who is prettier? Richer? More successful? More famous? Who is the better woman? Rarely do we see this same pitting against one another in men. No one says, Justin Bieber versus Shawn Mendez, Leonardo Di Caprio versus Johnny Depp, Chance the Rapper versus Kendrick Lamar. There seems to be enough room for men to be simultaneously successful but not for women. There always seems to be a competitive nature to every woman in the same space. This happens on grand scales in pop culture but also on micro levels with women we encounter in everyday life. Most of us would not like to admit it, but at some point and time we have found ourselves either competing or comparing ourselves to other women. She is the girl that is prettier than me on my team, the female co-worker who is better at her job than I am, the girl who all the guys seem to prefer, the girl who is a lot more fun than me, the woman who appears to be the better wife, or better mother. We all can find ourselves in these mini competitions with other girls who are probably not even aware that we are competing at all. Who showed up in the better outfit, has the better boyfriend, the better body, house, or accomplishments? There is a sudden rush of enjoyment if you are winning and a slight ding to your confidence if you are on the losing end.
In complete transparency, I have found myself falling into the trap of these competitions. Comparing myself to other friends, co-workers, or girls that I barely know but happen to follow on Instagram. It makes me feel icky and insecure when I allow these thoughts to consume me and I have found myself not wanting to play into the game of comparison anymore. This is why I have given credence to the idea of being a ‘girl’s girl’, because I want to find myself supporting and encouraging other women, knowing that I am secure within myself and that there is room for all of us to shine and succeed. No worries if you have not mastered the art of this yet, me neither, but here are a few things I have found that help.
Take a genuine interest in the women around you.
I think that part of the reason these little comparisons happen between us, is because we are all so focused on ourselves. Insecurity stems from the idea that you are lacking and I find I am not as prone to this trap when I focus less on myself and how others perceive me. . When you take the focus off of yourself and genuinely care about the interests and lives of girls around you, there’s less room for you to think about all of the ways you “don’t measure up”. Ask others more about their lives, remember little things about them to bring up in conversation, and work on being an active listener in your relationships instead of worrying about what you will say next. This brings me to my next tip.
Compliment and encourage!
When you notice that your friend is crushing her goals and good things are happening for her, instead of thinking of all the ways that you may not be, rejoice with her! Let her wins be a kin to your own! When you know that she has a huge goal in mind like gaining a certification, passing an exam, or getting a new job, push her towards those goals. When you know she needs to study instead of tempting her with a night out, offer to sit and read with her while she gets ready for an exam. Offer to go on a walk with her, if she is trying really hard to get in shape. When you notice a new color she is wearing that makes her glow, let her know! It gets harder to compare yourself to her when you invest time and energy in helping your friend or acquaintance succeed.
Live in abundance and security.
There has to be some inner work that happens here as well. I think a big part of it is understanding that another woman’s triumph and success does not take away your ability to win or from your past success. The world has more opportunities, relationships, and beauty than you might think. Sometimes we don’t want others to succeed because we feel like it will take away our spot at the top, but women who are secure in themselves do not operate in that mindset. They understand that when her friend gets that new guy or your co-worker gets that promotion, it is a great thing and something to celebrate. She also appreciates all the good things she has in her life and expects even more good things to come her way in their own time.
We all struggle with comparison and self-doubt from time to time. It is human nature, so do not think that struggling with these things define who you are, they absolutely do not, but it is always good to work towards moving away from making this a common part of your thought pattern. It also leads to healthier friendships and relationships when you actively work against this. I hope that this helps and makes all of your relationships exponentially brighter and more uplifting.
